i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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