I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
