so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
