Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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