Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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