i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
