I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
