I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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