I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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