I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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