My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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