You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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