i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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