You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
