You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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