??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
