hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
