Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
