DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
A bitchslap is in order.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
