just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Randomize
