I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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