it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
