This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
