I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
