i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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