i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
