I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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