omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
