my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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