What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We talked him into tasing himself.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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