i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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