he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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