I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
