someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
