My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
