Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
