Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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