captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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