: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
