Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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