Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
