I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
