Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
