finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
