Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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