I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
