I wish I could teleport
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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