I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
