What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
