You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I need a burrito and a hug.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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