Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
